Codependency in the Marriage

Deep resentments can occur due to codependency in the marriage; the codependent spouse may not understand this at that time. You feel bad about the relationships but are not able to understand the reasons for such a feeling. You find that you are not happy about the relationship which is unfulfilling and find that your spouse does not give the right kind of attention.

A "codependent" can be defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. In the case of the marriage one partner considers the spouse’s needs more important than their own. It is not a question of being nice all the time. As a codependent you sacrifice your needs for your partner by putting your feelings and desires in the background of your life. You constantly worry about your spouse’s requirements thereby giving no room for expression of your own.

A thin line separates “overly considerate” and “codependency”. Persons who are codependent live their life to suit the needs of their spouses irrespective of whether it makes them happy or not. For example, the wife may be doing whatever her husband wants when they go on an outing and neither of them are bothered about the wife’s feelings. Or the husband goes out of the way to cater to the wife's needs without bothering about his own emotional needs.

As time passes codependency becomes equivalent to a form of domestic violence that too if the person to whom you are catering to is a controlling person. The demand increases with increase in your giving more to your spouse and over a period of time you lose your independence. Although this is a rare occurrence it happens all the time.

Express Yourself

The codependent persons keep their needs, feelings and desires to themselves and this creates a problem of resentment in many cases. A wife may be keen to go for an evening class but could not do so because she has to cook dinner for her husband. Hence she goes on postponing the registration for evening class. This creates resentment in her since she has to give up the dreams and this resentment begins to take root in her life. 

The communication of a codependent person to his/ her spouse is very poor and the communication is stifled. You do not communicate your requirements to your spouse. You expect more intimacy from your spouse; you are keen that your spouse praises you for whatever you do for the family. You want to express your unhappiness about your spouse’s overtime working which prevents you from having any free time. A codependent person says none of the above and keeps mum without saying anything.

A codependent person behaves like a martyr. You sacrifice your wants, your needs and your desires in order to fulfill the needs of your spouse; in this process all the goodies in your life are last. However, all these things result in resentment and unhappiness which takes root in your sub-conscious mind; your spouse will not have any clue about the problems. You will find that your spouse feels everything is absolutely normal.

As far as the spouse at the receiving end is concerned everything looks great because of the dedicated attention given to him/ her. It looks mysterious to see that day by day you look more and more frustrated. This remains a mystery since you have not communicated verbally your needs, wants and desires to your spouse.

Start Talking!

In case you have been codependent for a number of years and look at yourself as a martyr in a marriage it is not easy to learn to be assertive; changing codependent behavior in such case can be done through professional counseling. However there are many people who change the course of their marriage from codependency to mutual respect by proper two way communication.

You could start this process change by hugging your spouse when he/ she come from work. Although it is a small matter it shows your affection to your spouse. You could also discuss this with your spouse to indicate that the hug carries a message that your spouse is missed during the day and hence you would like to receive this everyday. Once the ice is broken for the first time by expressing your needs it is easy to get this each time.

In case you are planning to change your codependent behavior, you should ensure that you start it at the right time. If your husband likes home food for dinner cooked by you, you should not just leave a note behind stating that you are busy and vanish. This will send wrong signals and he will resent it. It is advisable to inform him earlier about the happening in the evening so that he is prepared for it.

Codependency causes resentment and if the resentment grows deep the married life becomes bitter and this could result in divorce. You may be able to stop the divorce by changing codependent behavior and start a new life with your spouse on even ground.